


Tales of a Crumpet

by tornyourdress



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Humor, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:09:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24443374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tornyourdress/pseuds/tornyourdress
Summary: Bickering in the Angel Investigations office. Then Cordelia has a vision about Wesley... and "some Englishy-food thing".
Kudos: 2





	Tales of a Crumpet

**Author's Note:**

> Set/written during Angel, s1.

"So," Cordelia said, swinging on her chair.

"So," Angel said, pacing around the room.

"So," Wesley said, sitting on a table.

"We really should get a TV in here," Cordelia remarked. "For those days when no one needs saving. All the demons are probably getting their kicks from watching WWF these days. I bet they’re sitting in their crypts or wherever it is demons hang out, watching TV, never considering how they’re affecting our business! I have rent to pay!"

"Yes, how terrible that the people of LA are safe from dark, evil forces," Wesley responded.

Cordelia glared at him. "You know what I mean," she said witheringly.

"I was just making a point," he said innocently.

"You just love getting on my nerves, don’t you?"

"It’s not my fault you’re so sensitive."

"Sensitive? Me? As I recall, you’re the one who cried at _The Sound of Music_. How pathetic is that?"

"Just because I’m not a heartless…"

"Just a minute ago you were calling me sensitive!"

"I changed my mind! You’re evil!"

"And you’re a loser!"

"You’re a terrible actress!"

"And you got fired from the Watcher’s Council in disgrace!"

Sensing Cordelia and Wesley were about to come to blows, and that Cordelia would probably win, Angel intervened. "Kids, let’s not fight."

Cordelia smiled sweetly. "I like fighting. It releases tension."

"You used to fight with Xander all the time, right?" he said casually.

"And look how that turned out. I see your point." Cordelia decided to shut up.

"I choose to take that as a personal insult," Wesley said.

"What? You can’t take that personally!" Cordelia exclaimed. "I just don’t want a relationship with you, that’s all!"

"Funny, I seemed to be good enough for you a year ago," Wesley said huffily.

"It was the accent!" she protested. "It does strange things to me! Anyway," she added, "it was just that you were so interested in me…"

"Oh, right, because you weren’t interested in me at all," he said sarcastically.

"No! I mean yes. I mean - I can’t help falling tall dark handsome types."

"Was that an actual compliment?" he said in surprise.

"If it was, I didn’t mean it to come out that way, I apologise."

"Apology accepted," he nodded graciously.

Angel watched the scene with amusement. "Have you two ever thought about getting professional help?" he enquired mildly.

"The thought has occurred to me, but I don’t get paid enough," Cordelia said pointedly. Then she gasped and sat forward in her chair, clutching the desk tightly. The vicious migraines that accompanied a vision descended on her, and her grip on the desk tightened as the pain intensified.

"Cordelia, are you all right?" Angel asked.

"A vision?" Wesley asked.

"Yeah. It was weird - something about Wesley and some Englishy-food thing."

Angel and Wesley stared at her skeptically.

"No, seriously," she said, annoyed they didn’t believe her. "It was one of those, what-do-you-call-its. A crumpet! That’s it! It was about Wesley and a crumpet."

"As vague as these visions are, this one…" Angel mused.

"Seems to be slightly ridiculous?" Wesley suggested.

Cordelia shrugged. "Well, you never know. Maybe you’ll get attacked by a giant crumpet. Or a demon who eats crumpets."

"What exactly is a crumpet?" Angel asked.

"This from the guy who, like, was born in England?" Cordelia said.

"Ireland," Angel corrected.

"Like there’s a difference," Cordelia remarked.

"Actually there is. The English have tea and crumpets. The Irish just drink Guinness all day."

"You learn something new every day," Cordelia nodded.

Cordelia, Angel and Wesley sighed and went back to being bored. After a few minutes Cordelia got up. "I’m going to make some coffee. I’m having trouble staying awake in this nightmarishly dull place."

She returned some moments later with three cups of coffee and handed them out.

They were sipping their coffee when suddenly there was a flash of light, and Wesley disappeared.

"Wesley!" Cordelia screamed. She turned to Angel. "OK, what happened? People shouldn’t just vanish like that! Or maybe - you don’t think it’s like that invisible girl, Marcie, do you? Remember, she tried to kill me? But she turned invisible because everyone ignored her and I don’t ignore Wesley. Do I? He knows I really care about him, right? Oh God, Wesley, what have I done?" She looked as if she was about to cry.

"Cordelia, calm down," Angel soothed. "I’m sure we’ll sort everything out."

"You expect me to calm down when Wesley’s gone? How am I going to cope without him? I miss him so much!"

"I don’t think he’s actually gone," Angel said, looking down on the floor. He held up a plate with a crumpet on it. "Look familiar?"

"Oh, that makes me feel much better," Cordelia said sarcastically. "Wesley’s not gone, he’s just been turned into a crumpet! Yeah. This improves the situation."

The door swung open and Detective Kate Lockley strode in. "Angel, there’s something I have to tell you," she began. "I’ve been meaning to say this for a long time and - ooh, crumpet." She picked it up and took a bite out of it. At the look of horror on Cordelia and Angel’s faces, she said, "What?"

"Thank you for destroying my life!" Cordelia said dramatically. "I didn’t realize you were a vicious murderer." She stormed out.

"What’s that about?" Kate asked in surprise, nibbling on the crumpet.

"Kate - don’t. Put the crumpet down. It’s Wesley."

"What?" She looked at him, and then the half-eaten crumpet, incredulously.

"You just ate half of Wesley," Angel said in disgust. "Kate, please, just get out. I’m getting really tired of you messing up my life."

Kate looked distraught. "But Angel - I didn’t mean to - I came here to tell you how I feel about you!"

"I’m not ready for a relationship with a killer," he said. He held up the remainder of the crumpet. "This is all that is left of Wesley. I need some time to grieve."

"I understand. But when you’re ready, maybe you’d give me another chance?"

"I’m not making any promises."

She nodded in acceptance, and left. Cordelia returned with a very small coffin.

"I thought we should give him a proper burial," she sniffed. "He would’ve wanted that. It’s all we can do for him now!" She burst into tears. Angel held her for a minute until her tears subsided.

She lifted her tear-stained face from his chest and said, "I’m going to get some lunch."

"It’s OK, I’ll get you something," he said, leaving the office.

She sat down at her desk, deep in thought. Distractedly she began nibbling away.

Angel returned to see Cordelia finishing off the crumpet.

"Cordelia!" he exclaimed.

His voice broke her out of her reverie and she stared at the crumbs left on the plate.

"Oops."


End file.
